I'm really terrified right now. I didn't realize how bad it is until now. I'm avoiding silly things because it feels like those things will make this all the more real. I'm scared of what will happen tomorrow. I'm scared for my mother. Her surgery tomorrow is fairly routine, laproscopic and shouldn't take very long. But I'm scared. I'm very scared.
I'm trying find reasons to ignore what's going on. I'm putting off even calling the local zoo to make sure Missy will have a wheelchair when we go on Saturday. As if that would make it any easier to deal with this. It won't and I know it. So I guess I'll pause here and call the zoo.
And they were absolutely no help whatsoever. Fully-automated information systems don't answer that sort of question very well. Oh well. I'll try again later.
I'm also trying not to get angry when my mom tells me all these things that need to be done and adds a bunch of stuff that isn't that important. I know how to clean a bathroom. Really. I know she just nervous though and doesn't want to come back to a mess. Not that the common areas of the house are ever really that bad. But that's beside the point. I need to do this for Mom, whether I'm having a conniption silently in the corner or not.
I'm scared also that I'm going to lose it in the two weeks or so after the surgery. I'm going to be doing everything for real this time and I'm scared of it. I'm terrified of my mother relying on me.
Please help me. Give me the strength to get through all of this. I know that with You, I can get through this intact.
Thank You so much.
In Jesus's Name,