Thursday, July 18, 2013

An Artist's Confidence

Why must it be such a fragile thing?

I love being a creative person. What I don't like is being a creative person who is also PMSing, and has anxiety issues. 

It all started earlier this week when one of my Anima guys let me know there was a chance he wouldn't be there Friday. This isn't a big deal, it happens, especially when juggling birthday's of his girlfriend's family and they like to do things last minute. I received confirmation yesterday about which felt way too last minute for me but there's no amount of cranky that will change that. I was able to alter the session to make it work without him. So no big deal, right?

Well then another of the guys said he would be late. I wasn't worried until my husband pointed out that a little late for him has been super late for the rest of us so we may not get to much at all.

That was this morning. I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head. A couple hours later, after having dreamed about the worst possible game session imaginable, complete with one guy giving another a partial buzz cut mid-session, my husband texted me.

It was the real name of his character, completely not the one I had given said character when he gave me nearly nothing for backstory. We worked it all out and he's using the name I gave as his character's family name and the one he picked out as his character's first name. So again, no biggy. It was all worked out well.

Except that he's upset that I may have fibbed to keep something for his character a surprise. I don't even remember this at all. I'm trying to, but there was one point when he was talking to me about his character while I was half asleep. This is the only time I can think of that this may have happened. I feel bad about it because this is not what I intended. But it's kinda become a thing now...

Regardless of the fact that a lot of this is out of my control, I feel like I'm a terrible GM for this and if I were better at it, this wouldn't have happened. Add in whacked out hormones and I'm a mess.

Hopefully this gets better soon.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Meeting Myself

I was going to be productive today but the late night and poor sleep quality messed with those plans. But more than that, I had a little conversation with myself today and I began to see that I've been trying to force things upon myself that I'm simply not wired to do. I see myself a litt more clearly now.

As much I as want to be a homesteader, I really would only be able to keep up with a garden and some backyard chickens. As much as I dream of owning a dairy cow and a dairy goat or two, they are far more high-maintenance than I think I can handle. Maybe in the future, but certainly not as I am today. Let me get a few kids under my belt and check back later.

I do aspire to dress better but I will always be a jammies gal. I see no need to wear make up most of the time, cosplay and weddings being the exceptions. I would rather wear knee-high black boots to a wedding than heels any day and have done so twice. I don't know what my style is yet, but I've been gravitating toward skirts more than I ever recall.

Out of all the things I do, I prefer comic creation and sewing/knitting to all the other things. Sure I love cooking for people, and many other things but not as much as those things. I love the freedom comic art lends to a story, freeing me of  burden of description that just writing must have and lending a voice to my art. Sewing and knitting are similar, freeing me to have something to wear that's my own and no one elses. All other creative pursuits pale in comparison.

I want children so badly it hurts sometimes. I'm working on ensuring that it doesn't become an idol in my life, but that doesn't change my desire for them. I've come to the realization that it will always hurt initially when someone I know announces they are having a baby, especially when they are younger. It's hard to wait for something so deeply desired, but then I remember that someday I will be announcing it and it may hurt another woman who is where I am now. For now, my battle is against jealousy and its one I intend to win.

Visuals that others may find weird or just "whatever", I find striking. The queen xenomorphs of the alien series are beautiful to me despite the fact that they're horrifying hell-beasts. As for the mundane, I find male backs a stunning piece of biological architecture while most people are kinda' "meh..." unless there's a well-proportioned butt involved. I've discovered that this is a positive aspect of my creative outlook and I should embrace it more often than I do.

I am an introvert with social anxieties and probably always will be. I just happen to live in a world that prizes the extroverts more but that doesn't make me less then they are. I do not hate people but being around too many for too long will drain every ounce of energy I have from me. Being with those I know well and care about doesn't do this to me for the most part, but I still need to decompress afterward. 

I have flaws, many of them in fact, but I should not be ashamed of who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made after all.