Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Meeting Myself

I was going to be productive today but the late night and poor sleep quality messed with those plans. But more than that, I had a little conversation with myself today and I began to see that I've been trying to force things upon myself that I'm simply not wired to do. I see myself a litt more clearly now.

As much I as want to be a homesteader, I really would only be able to keep up with a garden and some backyard chickens. As much as I dream of owning a dairy cow and a dairy goat or two, they are far more high-maintenance than I think I can handle. Maybe in the future, but certainly not as I am today. Let me get a few kids under my belt and check back later.

I do aspire to dress better but I will always be a jammies gal. I see no need to wear make up most of the time, cosplay and weddings being the exceptions. I would rather wear knee-high black boots to a wedding than heels any day and have done so twice. I don't know what my style is yet, but I've been gravitating toward skirts more than I ever recall.

Out of all the things I do, I prefer comic creation and sewing/knitting to all the other things. Sure I love cooking for people, and many other things but not as much as those things. I love the freedom comic art lends to a story, freeing me of  burden of description that just writing must have and lending a voice to my art. Sewing and knitting are similar, freeing me to have something to wear that's my own and no one elses. All other creative pursuits pale in comparison.

I want children so badly it hurts sometimes. I'm working on ensuring that it doesn't become an idol in my life, but that doesn't change my desire for them. I've come to the realization that it will always hurt initially when someone I know announces they are having a baby, especially when they are younger. It's hard to wait for something so deeply desired, but then I remember that someday I will be announcing it and it may hurt another woman who is where I am now. For now, my battle is against jealousy and its one I intend to win.

Visuals that others may find weird or just "whatever", I find striking. The queen xenomorphs of the alien series are beautiful to me despite the fact that they're horrifying hell-beasts. As for the mundane, I find male backs a stunning piece of biological architecture while most people are kinda' "meh..." unless there's a well-proportioned butt involved. I've discovered that this is a positive aspect of my creative outlook and I should embrace it more often than I do.

I am an introvert with social anxieties and probably always will be. I just happen to live in a world that prizes the extroverts more but that doesn't make me less then they are. I do not hate people but being around too many for too long will drain every ounce of energy I have from me. Being with those I know well and care about doesn't do this to me for the most part, but I still need to decompress afterward. 

I have flaws, many of them in fact, but I should not be ashamed of who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made after all. 

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